Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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