I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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