Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
