Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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