She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
