I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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