Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
