Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
