She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
is that a dick in a sweater?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
