I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
