fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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