chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
