All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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