sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
