Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
