Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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