We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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