Kiss
Puke
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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