So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
