perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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