i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
