I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
