Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
