Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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