I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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