I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
