Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize