one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
