I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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