So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
