One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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