he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
