Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
