God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
