If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize