I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Randomize