Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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