2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
