turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
