Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
