My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
