My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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