So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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