WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
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