i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Someone shattered a urinal.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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