Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
