worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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