So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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