woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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