Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My vagina is officially offended.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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