So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
