the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
