Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
