I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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