thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
