also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
