There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
