I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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