My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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