he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
