I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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