I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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