a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
