Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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