Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize